Elvis the Pelvis Still Smiling Despite a Few Major Problems
by Jon Marlowe
The Miami News
February 13, 1977

Smile while you're makin' it
Laugh while you're takin' it
Even though you're fakin' it
Nobody's gonna know
from "Oh Lucky Man" by Alan Price

Elvis Presley played the Hollywood Sportatorium Saturday night and had 14000 die-hard fans screaming, throwing Teddy Bears, and madly rushing the stage in his honor. The following are a list of things Elvis REALLY did during the course of one hour he was on stage that night. Elvis learned the basic tips from a rare and out-of-print instruction manual entitled "How to Succeed in Rock Without Really Trying" or aptly sub-titled "An Aging Rock Star's Guide to Concert Appearances".

• Although your bulging stomach is now hanging half-way over your traditional hips, as soon as you walk out on stage, try shaking them at least once. The audience will give you a standing ovation and scream with sheer delight just for your effort.
• Use your own sound system and sound people so you can purposely have your own mike turned way down and your countless on stage singers' mikes turned way up. This way the audience will blame the sound people and not you when they can hardly hear a word you're saying or singing.
• Get these real el-cheapo scarves that look more like napkins and throw them out to the audience over and over and over again. The girls will go totally crazy and completely forget that you're not singing.
• Ah, but when you do happen to hit a high note, repeat the verse and hit it again; just to let the cynics present know it wasn't a fluke and you've still got it in you to deliver the goods
• Do the song My Way. Why not? Every other singer over 40 years of age does. What's that? You say you can't remember all the words to My Way? No sweat. You'll read them off two sheets of notebook paper.
• Get the legendary James Burton to play lead guitar for you again. This will give you renewed credibility with music writers. They'll think "Hell, the guy must be doing something right" to get such a talented musician like him to play behind you

And why knock yourself out? Before you come on, let the audience sit through a warm-up band's version "A Fifth of Beethoven", a gospel group doing (what else?) Swing Low Sweet Chariot and a comedian who will talk about such topical things as marijuana. Now you'd better have somebody good come on after they've sat through all that rubbish, so get the great Sweet Inspirations to do a few tunes. Now after they've left the stage, turn on the house lights and have an intermission. This will not only build up tremendous excitement for your grand entrance but also give the folks one last chance to buy your souvenir books, posters, pins and other assorted memorabilia.

Courtesy of Scott Hayward